I am so often amazed at how many things had to turn out the way they did just for things to be as they are now. It’s such a beautiful gift the universe offers us. It makes me sad how many people never take even one second out of their day to appreciate it.

Imagine how many things had to go wrong for me to meet Stefan. Imagine how many times in my life I cried on my own, yelling to a god (that I don’t even believe in, mind you) that I need help, that I need a miracle… Send me a sign that I am on the right path! Send me something, God! I was desperate. So desperate that I would scream out to something I didn’t even believe was listening.

Obviously God didn’t listen. But the universe unfolded in such a weird, wacky way… that there is no way it could have been on purpose. I broke up with so many boyfriends… all of which at the time seemed perfect. Would I still consider them perfect for me if we were dating right now? If I float myself back to that time I see happy memories… and a part of me does think that we were good together. But I don’t know if I am that same girl anymore.

I don’t know how I would feel if I had that happy life back. It was ‘happy’ for that girl but she doesn’t exist anymore. She exists only in my twisted memory. A memory that sees things not for as they really were. So no… I don’t think I would be happy if things were that way now.

Some days I am not happy with how things are now. Certain elements to my daily life that make me wish for other things. But it’s irrelevant isn’t it. There will always be a girl wishing for a different life and another part of me being so thankful for this new life that I have. It’s never ending.

One day soon I will have a new life again. A new routine, new friends, new habits. And it won’t be because I made them for myself… it will be because the universe brought them to me. A part of me hopes that the universe is unfolding for me in perfect divine timing. That the life I have now is for a reason, and the life waiting for me is worth the wait. But maybe it is all random. Maybe there are no rules and my future is completely out of my hands.

I wonder who I will meet. The things I will do. The experiences I get to have. All random. All beautiful. All timed both randomly and perfectly.