Every story I tell, every memory I share, it all seems to come from a time period that was so long ago. Is that what happens when you get old? Are all your best times just millions of years ago? I don’t want to live like that.

Without even realising, the five years prior to Stefan are just a big blur of sadness. A podcast I was listening to was talking about the phases of the moon and how sometimes the moon can have a shadow phase. I think my shadow phase was my early twenties.

When I really think about it, the only stories I have to tell from that period are about boys. I understand, hearing those stories some might think, wow she talks about her ex’s alot. But they are all I have from that period of my life. Without them, there was nothing. Sure, my life still went ahead, I started my fitness journey, I made friends, I went to university, I got new jobs, etc. The big details were there. But the small ones weren’t. I wasn’t happy. Not truly. I was struggling a lot of the time, and I hid that struggle with different things, like food and drugs.

Going to University, overall is a very good memory. But the actual details of going to university… well… I barely have any. I can barely remember it. Was it because I wasn’t sleeping well and none of the memories stayed in my brain? Was it because I didn’t have any emotions attached to that time? I wasn’t happy about being there but I also wasn’t sad about it either. I just went. I finished high school because that’s what I was supposed to do. I went to University… because that’s what I was supposed to do. I finished University, I graduated. I did what I was supposed to. And then I had nothing. I had nothing that I was supposed to do anymore. I had to think for myself and because I had spent the last 3 years barely even being alive, I didn’t know what was next. I still don’t know what’s next. I beg the universe to send me a sign, to lead me in the right direction but I’ve had no luck so far. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. I don’t even know what I want to do. I just know, that the last 2 years I have been working on the little details. The big ones… I’m still not sure. But the little ones, I know what I want. I know how much sleep I want to get, I know what I want to eat and do. I know the people I want to be around. I know the amount of effort I want to put into each thing. I know how to run away from something and I know what to fight for. I know when to give up and move on. I know how to pick myself up. I know what’s best for me. I know when I’m making the wrong decision.

So maybe I have wasted some precious times. Maybe I don’t have the memories that I want. Maybe that is a blessing. Maybe this is my time to make new memories… so that in 5 years time when I am looking back, I have stories to tell from this period. 18-23 will just be a tiny dot point of my life. It won’t matter so much by then. Maybe by the time I find my big details of my life I will be glad it took so long, because it gave me time to work out the little details… I mean, they are really what’s most important anyway.