A part of me is upset. I try not to beat myself up about it but honestly I am truly upset. I am upset that it took me the last few years to start reading again. I can’t believe I let all those years go to waste. What is the point of life if not purpose? Learning… striving… being better. For a few years I was stuck. I was happy doing the bare minimum. I wasn’t striving. But I wasn’t content. I had just accepted the mundane. I don’t know what made me open my eyes. For over a year I told myself I would go to the free gym classes and yet I never went. One day I went. I don’t know why that day was different. I wish I knew so that I could do it again but with different habits and experiences. I don’t know why one day when I was 17 I decided I was going to start losing weight. One day I was happy eating junk every day. The next I wasn’t. One day I was planning to go to gym, the next I actually did it.

I hope today is the day I start the thing I’ve been planning for a long time. I don’t know how or why the stars align when they do. I don’t know the pattern of my life. I don’t know if the universe is unfolding in perfect divine timing or if that’s just something I tell myself to make me feel better about my future.

So yes… I am upset that I wasted so many years. But I am also happy that I started when I did. This year has been filled with so much learning. So much knowledge. So much wisdom. So much energy. I am glad I started this year. I probably won’t stop being upset about my wasted time. It will always be inside me, deep down in a tiny corner of my brain. But I will not focus on that. I will focus the positive. I will look only at the good. I will continue to reinforce my good behaviours and strive for my positive mental attitude as often as possible. It is okay to be upset, but it is not okay to waste my energy on it.

So today I will keep reading. And hopefully tomorrow is the day that I start my next adventure.